Tomorrow is the day I’ve been waiting for for the past 7 years. I’m not sure how schools work in other states, but here in Georgia, there is a lottery set up where children at the age of four can attend pre-k free of charge. For my oldest, he wasn’t lucky enough to be chosen so I kept him home with me and my at the time 3 and 2 year olds until he started kindergarten the following year. When he did go to kindergarten, my 4 year olds name was drawn in the lottery so they both went to school together!
Fast forward two years and it is now time for us to place my youngest son’s name in the lottery drawing (tomorrow).
To say that I am beyond excited to possibly have 3 children out of the house for seven hours is an understatement. It’s been a LONG time coming and I can just imagine how the first day will be. I will actually be entering a new stage in my life. For those of you with multiple children, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.
Well, here is where things get tricky. For starters, they may not pull Brendan’s name tomorrow (which I have already prepared myself for). But what I haven’t prepared myself for is the fact that I may have to homeschool my oldest son which means I could possibly be home with TWO boys AGAIN…
Since school started back from winter break, my son has had behavior and emotional problems. On top of that, I noticed that he wasn’t retaining things like his target words and some of the subjects being taught to him. His behavior has stemmed from him being sensitive to classmates teasing/picking on him. He’s a sensitive kid already (I’m a sensitive woman!), but he’s even more sensitive when he thinks someone is picking on him. On top of all of that, he stutters.
The last few months have not been easy for me (or him for that matter). From evaluation after evaluation (speech, occupational, ADHD, behavior), I’ve been trying to figure out what is wrong with my baby. I have never seen him behave like this before. He cries all of the time at school and home, I receive phone calls or written reports on his behavior, he has even been suspended for hitting. I know that he’s mostly reacting to the children that pick on him and because this has been going on for the past few months, it seems like it is easier for the teacher to remove him from the class or call him “out” instead of everyone who is involved with the situation.
Let me tell you the things I know about my son:
He stutters… He has been evaluated for speech and therapy will start soon
He does have a hard time focusing.
He loses his temper easily. <-------------That’s what concerns me the most.
But even with all of that, TJ is really a good kid. Seriously. I know every mother say that about their children, but no, he really is. Trust me, I have one that isn’t!
For some reason, he is able to understand when he has done something wrong, but he can not control himself to not do the wrong thing (like losing his temper, or finishing his schoolwork). Everyday when I ‘m dropping them off at school he kisses me and say “I’m going to do better today mom, I promise”. And I respond with a hug and a “I know babe, because today is a new day”. But when I pull off, I can’t help but shed a tear because I know that out of 5 days of school, I’m going to get at least 3 days of bad reports.
To make this long story short, I have considered (and have turned in all paperwork for) homeschooling. After talking with a friend today, we talked about how my youngest will finally be out of the house and then she asked if I was sure I wanted to homeschool. Before her question, I was set on doing it. I felt like it was my only option and possibly the BEST one for him. Then she asked me WHY I felt like that. My response after crying was that I felt like I owe it to him. I feel like maybe this is coming from him not getting enough attention at home being the “oldest”. I also feel like it will keep him safe from being teased. And then I feel like if he needs one on one attention, who else could be better than myself…
But that’s how I felt before she asked me that question. Now, I don’t know how I feel. I can’t help but think about my youngest son’s name being pulled tomorrow and how I will finally have all three boys in school. How I will finally have seven hours a day and five days a week to just be Lakeitha. I can’t help but have a few selfish thoughts going through my mind right now.
I can go back to school.
I can get a part time job
I can do absolutely nothing for seven hours a day
My friend told me to think about it more before I finalize any decisions. So here I am, thinking. Weighing my pros and cons. I don’t even know what the pros and cons are anymore. This is definitely one of those times where I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Thanks for listening.